13 April 2010

In which i decides which Disney Princess is best (And by best, he means most marriageable)

This post was inspired by a friend's facebook status update.

Belle: nice and smart and a little odd. She's a brunette. Her dad is annoying, and so is her stalker, Gaston. I'm assuming she is no longer married to Prince Adam at this point, which means she either has comittment issues, or she's a widow, which either way is a negative thing. Overall, she's got a (7/10).

Ariel: she's a redhead. But her hair is actually red, not orangey like I actually like. She's no longer married to Prince Eric, which is a negative for the same reason as Belle. She is a little flighty and pretends to talk to animals, which basically equates to talking to yourself. She comes her hair with forks, and collects everyday utensils. She doesn't always have feet, and there's just something a little fishy about her. Overall rating: (4/10).

Aurora: I dunno what's up with her. She just seems kind of dense. Blondeness is not really a good thing, and she always has those opalescent fly things buzzing around her head. She has previously fallen into severe comas in the past, for no apparent reason. Maybe she's a hemophiliac and it was because of severe blood loss? Either way, I don't want that in my gene pool. She is kind of a slut- "I'll only wake up if someone handsome kisses me blah blah blah". I mean, come on? Really? She's going to expect me to make her an enchanted castle to live in, since Phillip probably got to keep the house in the divorce. And I'd rather go on vacation than live in a giant house. Overall: (2/10)

Cinderella: She's kinda cute, and a really hard worker. She puts up with too much crap from people, though, and doesn't ever stand up for herself. She has to have a fairy godmother primp and prep her in order to feel like she's actually worth something, which is a huge drawback. She's also no longer married to her prince. I don't necessarily know his name, though. Prince Charming, maybe? She has tiny feet, which may balance out my ginormous feet in our genetic future. Her biggest drawback is that she's dependent on someone else for everything- she can't make her own dress and has to get animals to do it, she can't get to the ball on her own, etc. etc. Also, she's blonde, which isn't really a good thing. (5/10)

Mulan: Mmm... this chick is pretty cool. She saves a whole country from ruin, death, despair, and destruction. She's got black hair, which is probably my second favorite hair color. She's Chinese, which holds a near and dear place in my heart. But she's disobedient to her father, and doesn't necessarily follow social norms about the woman's place in society. Not that that is of necessity a terrible thing, but it's not exactly a plus in my eyes either. I do value her independence from the men in her life. She's got a nice family that has no serious issues, and her grandma is really funny. She's also got that little annoying dragon thing, Mushu, that could possibly get on my nerves. But she's probably earned the most respect for herself through her actions as opposed to her marriage. Also, she was never married and therefore divorced. (9/10)

Tiana: She's independent too, and she's from the south. She's really pretty, although I'm not sure that I want her to fall for me. After all, at one point she fell for a frog. She makes awesome beignets, by all accounts. And cooks well in general to boot. She is adventurous, and wants to pursue her dreams. She was married at one point, which makes it a little bit difficult to actually like her. She is the unfortunate victim of voodoo, but still pursues Prince Naveen (spelling on that?) anyway. More accurately, she doesn't really pursue him, but she falls for him. She likes Naveen, who plays a lot of instruments. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that therefore she likes multi-musically-instrumented-talented people, which I definitely qualify as. (8/10)

Snow White: suffers from narcolepsy. Also, she is veeeeery naive, and will do anything that someone wants her to do, even if she doesn't know them. (also, I avoided splitting the infinitive to do.) She has the same issue as Aurora, which would be a drawback for copying her, except Snow White came first. She obviously likes shorter men (see: dwarfs), which would not do for me, since I'm approximately 6' 3". She's got dark hair, but I prefer... not her type of hair. Some girls can pull off the short hair thing, but her's is in that awkward halfway stage between short and long. And it's not becoming on her. And kind of reminds me of my Senior AP English teacher (who hated me. And the feeling was mutual.) Also, I never really liked her movie. I always thought it was kind of boring. (1/10)

Jasmine: You know, lots of people loved Jasmine/Aladdin. But not me. I was never really a fan of the whole idea. Sure, Genie is great, but I thought that the movie was lame. Not to judge a girl by her movie, but I'm sure there's someone else out there who wants her ham more than I do. So I'll pass on this girl. I'm sure she's nice, and she appreciates a guy who sings, but she's just not the one for me. Also, she's immodest. (also, this week was probably not the best time to link to the 100 hour board. I promise I'll talk about it later when they're feeling okay and not doing the "borg" thing. Then I'll introduce you to the awesomeness that is the board.) (PASS)

Pocahontas: Umm... Not really a fan of this girl either. She sings to trees and stuff, and isn't loyal to her family. I understand that she really really liked John Smith, but her father had specifically asked her several times to stay away from him. And gave good reasons too. Also, her talking to inanimate objects kind of isn't so appealing to me. (also, I used the word magnanimous in a conversation the other day. It was awesome.) I'm not sure that I would like her. I mean, I love nature and stuff, but I don't really want a raccoon wandering around my house. Can you tell that I'm getting bored of typing these by this point? Because I am. Probably because I started with the princesses whose movies I'd actually seen within recent memory, and am now to the ones that I don't care about. (3/10)


Leslie said...

Not to burst your bubble or anything, but I think in Mulan 2 she and Li Shang get hitched.

Also, Tiana and Naveen definitely get married. So if being married and subsequently divorced brings those points down, you need to bring them down.

But I'm just being picky.

Wonder Woman said...

I don't usually do this, but you've got to read the post my husband did that's eerily similar to yours.


Actually, you should read all the ones with the "disney princess" label because I wrote a response about the Princes.